i don't feel like myself without makeup
today i did my makeup pretty well. i followed a tutorial and everything and eventually i was satisfied with the result. but here's the thing, i didn't put on my enlarging contacts (because i'm running out) and when i looked in the mirror, i couldn't recognize myself at all. i stared at my reflection for maybe five minutes and i just couldn't tell who i was, and i can only really look at myself when i wear a full face of makeup which includes the contacts. i think i am experiencing severe forms of facial dysmorphia and i don't like it at all. i don't feel like myself without makeup and i can't live without makeup. i feel ugly and unwanted and disgusting when i don't feel pretty and when i do feel pretty i expect everyone to tell me i am but instead nobody really says anything so i spend all my time picking filters to cover my face then photoshopping to my heart's content. i don't know what to do, i feel so revolting and filthy when i don't wear any makeup and i don't feel like anyone should love me or even look at me. if you told me to go outside without makeup i would cry and barricade myself in my room. if someone gave me the options of a) not wear makeup forever or b) kill myself i would pick to kill myself in a heartbeat. i cannot live without changing my features and i always feel like there is something wrong with my appearance. i don't know what to do, and it makes me really sad. i wish i was naturally pretty all the time and people on social media always compliment my appearance but i know if they saw me bare faced without all that photoshop and filter and makeup they would scowl at me and tell me i'm ugly and disgusting pretty much. i hate feeling ugly and that is how i feel all the time. you know, i was super into blackpill for a bit and as funny as that sounds, it made me painfully insecure and for a while i couldn't even look at myself in the mirror without crying and pulling out my hair. i feel like i've said that before. anyways, now i just experience intense dysmorphic symptoms and feel like crying all the time without makeup. i am running out of my eye enlarging contacts and i do not know what i will do then when i am out. it is hard to buy those here in america because everyone already has big eyes and i cannot find a store that sells them. i guess i could order them online.. that's what i'm trying to do right now. anyway, i just wanted to write about this. people tell me i'm good looking in real life sometimes but that is only after i cake face. abuse makeup and all the likes. i don't know what to do. i feel sad about this.